Recap, Review, and Rant: Twilight Eclipse

Tonight was opening night for the latest movie chapter in the self-proclaimed "Twilight Saga," Eclipse. Like many other people in the world, I attended the midnight showing. Some of you are probably wondering why the hell I would do such a thing, considering most of you reading this have some indication of my feelings towards the series. There are a few reasons, and here they are:

1) I have a bit of a bet with myself. I went and saw the first movie at the midnight showing with a few friends, knowing that it would be quite an entertaining night, then did the same with New Moon, going to see it in order to cheer up a friend who had had a bad day. After all, the movies are great...if you approach them as a comedy. So now, it's decided that I will attend every one of these movies at the midnight showing. Since there's only two more, I don't foresee much of a problem.

2) If I go, and bring at least one other person with me, that means that at least two fans of the series will be unable to attend because I'm sitting, nice and smug, in the seat that they so desperately want to be in. Knowing that gives me a sense of delighted glee. Yes, I'm sadistic, cruel, yadda yadda yadda. It's amusing to me.

3) I talk during movies. Like, a lot and quite often. Usually, I mock the characters and the plot and anything else I can think of. Since I'm not a fan of the series, doing so makes it less enjoyable for the rest of the people near me. Since most of those people are actually fans of the series, I get to make their night less than perfect. This, too, gives me a sense of pure delight, not unlike how I imagine swallowing a cute, happy kitten whole might be.

...What? You know you think about it sometimes.

4) ...There actually was a four, but I can't think of it anymore, and I figured that only having a list of three reasons might be a little pretentious, and kind've convenient, I suppose.





Now that that's out of the way, here's the part you're actually interested in! The recap, review and rant.


I'd been trying to convince my boyfriend to come with me to see the movie, but it was a bit of a risk considering it premiered in the middle of the week and he has work. Finally, though, he agreed and bought the tickets yesterday. We got dinner and headed to the theatre about two hours before the show was set to start.

Now, Kerasotes was the theatre that was originally there, but it was recently bought by AMC and converted to their lovely format. We spent $20 on just the fucking tickets alone, and concessions were $18. Seriously, what the fuck. Kerasotes was way better. Plus, they got rid of House of the Dead 2 in the arcade.

WHO DOES THAT?!

So now, irritated due to ticket prices, though still blissfully unaware of how much popcorn and soda is going to cost, we tried to figure out what to do for the next two hours. It was then that we saw the line.

Now, the theatre we go to is a moderately large size theatre. They have sixteen screens, so you can imagine how big this place is.

The hallways were packed on both sides with tweens, teens and Twilight moms waiting to get in. We stared at the lines then each other and slowly picked our way over to the line for our theatre, shocked by the sheer amount of estrogen in the air. But it wasn't that which was the most frightening...

I suppose it was when I saw the girl carrying the life-sized cutout of Jacob in one hand and her...male co-attendant that I realized we weren't in Kansas, aka the land of fucking sanity, anymore. The previous two opening nights had been relatively calm and easy, maybe even a bit boring. But this was just...somewhat madness.

Finally, we find our line and get to the end of it, lean against the wall and start chatting a bit. By now, Brian, aka The Boyfriend, is getting a little freaked out. I had told him it was going to be fun, the movie would be hilarious and we'd be fine.

Then the Four Girls showed up.

There were two behind us who were chatting it up, talking about omgeddiekinslolololiluvyouhavemysparklebabies for a bit, but that was nothing compared to these girls. They couldn't have been more than fifteen, wearing black t-shirts and jeans that could only legally be counted as panties, rather than anything resembling shorts. Seriously, my co-females, if your leg coverings, whatever they are, are not above two inches longer than your underwear...


YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.


Anyway, these girls, these tweens who are obviously SUPERHARDCORELOLOMG fans of the books, come over and demand to know if the girls behind us are Team Edward or Team Jacob. I can hear a little pause behind me before they finally say "Team Edward."

It was at that point that I think my ear decided to kill itself. Never in my life have I heard four girls scream "EW!" louder at two simple words than I did just then. Thankfully, they left just after that and I was allowed to recover what semi-masochistic bit of ear drum I had left in my right ear. But seriously, these girls were wandering around the theatre the whole time demanding to know which "Team" everyone was on. If it was Edward, they did the "EW!" thing, and if it was Jacob, they would get all happy, giggly and sparkle a bit.

Honestly, I don't know why these girls hated Edward so much, since they were clearly just as airheaded as he was and were wearing enough make-up that they themselves glittered in the light. Really, you'd think they'd be able to find a connection in that alone.

Thankfully, most of the rest of our time in line was relatively quiet and uneventful, except when The Four Girls came back, demanding to know what team the ushers were on. I think the best part of my night was when one of the ushers told them he was on Team Van Hellsing and the girls got that empty headed look that you can literally hear the hamster starting to pant in order to make the gears in their brains turn. Of course, the hamster must have decided that life was no longer worth living and thrown itself into whatever semi-working machinery was still left in these girls' heads as they clearly did not understand what he was talking about. Then they left, and all was grand again!

Finally, at about 11:30, we were allowed to actually enter the theatre that we would be enduring the next few hours of crazed teenage fangirls and their sad, lonely, rather frighteningly obsessed fan-moms, also known as the "Twilight Moms." Seriously, these women are frightening because not only are they fans of these stupid books, but they are also a) able to drive, b) have endured childbirth so are able to withstand large amounts of pain without batting an eye, c) these women have the time and money to buy whatever weaponry they so desire in order to achieve their desires and d) likely no longer have the same sex life they did as young adults, since men tend to hit their sexual peak at around, oh, twenty and women hit it at about the age most of these Twilight Moms are.

Also, most of them have likely thought about killing their own children, so they could probably get away with killing you, stashing your body in their mini-van and finding the closest soccer field to bury your mutilated body in.

These women scare me. I will have nightmares for forever. For-eh-ver. For. Eh. Ver.

Yes, I just quoted The Sandlot.

Anyway! So finally, we find seats but we magically got the theatre with all the handicapped people in it, so the seats we like best were taken due to that. Instead, we got to sit in the front part, right in front of this bitch that kept kicking my seat and made me want to slowly rip her ears off with her own teeth.

So we get seated, I tell Bri that I'm going to go get the popcorn and stuff and to just wait there. I go and get in The Line of One Thousand Fangirls and try to tune out the numerous screams of "JACOB!" "EDWARD!" and "OMGZ!" all around me to a dull roar. If you remember the deafening experience I described forever ago up above, you'll know that it was relatively easy. After twenty minutes and at least five people deciding that the space right. In. Front. Of. Me. was the best place to cross from one side of the line to the other side, I got to the front and paid $18 for one bag of popcorn and two large drinks.

You read that correctly.

Eight. Teen. Fucking. Dollars.

WHAT THE FUCK. ARG.

So now my left eye is twitching hard enough that I'm starting to worry if it is literally going to fall out of its socket when I get to the door to my theatre again. I'm just about to walk in when the usher asks to see my ticket.

Bitch, I am fucking holding a large back of popcorn and two large drinks that are so fucking cold that I think that maybe I just got ninja-bit by a fucking sparklepire and my ticket is in my back fucking pocket and you want me to get it out for you? Fuck you. Seriously, I hope you got mauled by a tractor on the way home. So I make him hold my bag of popcorn while I find my ticket and show him, then take the fucking bag of popped bane-of-my-existence and bid him to have a good evening because I am a nice person. I get in, give Brian the popcorn, drinks, sit down and try to get the bloodflow in my left arm working again. A little after this, the projector starts to get fucked up.

....

Sound works, but the images aren't showing. I'm sitting there about to smack the bitch behind me kicking my seat, with the ridiculously long straw that I have to use in order to actually sip my drink, in the eye because I'm so frustratedly angry when this shit happens. Seriously, what the fuck. Learn to use the equipment, I KNOW YOU BITCHES WERE THERE AT FOUR IN THE MORNING LEARNING HOW TO USE IT, GODS DAMMIT.

*breathes*

They finally get it working again, just in time for the good previews to start playing, yay! After that fucking BAMF-y trailer that just got released for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and the one for Inception, which looks so good I could probably give a damn about Leonardo DiCaprio's career again, I'm in a less homicidal mood now.

Then Eclipse starts.

Let me tell you, the opening scene of this movie was actually pretty good. Whoever played that Riley guy, give that fucker raise because he stole the show. Not that there was much there to begin with, but seriously, he was the best part of the whole movie and, apparently, the only guy who can act. I usually like the guy who plays Charlie in these movies, but I think he realized what the fuck he got himself into and can now only make it into work without wanting to shoot himself in the fact by doing so drunk.

But yeah, that opening scene was great. I enjoyed it a lot. In fact, it was so good that I actually had a slim ray of hope that this movie wasn't going to make me want to claw my eyes out with a rusty nail.

Them fuckers lied to me. They lulled me into a false sense of security and then hit me upside the head with a sledgehammer of WHAT THE FUCK.

Now, I've read the books. All four of them. That's why I'm so damned excited about seeing Breaking Dawn in theatres, because I know what happens. Seriously, it's going to be a riot. I can't wait for it. However, Eclipse was always...well, I think my brain just decided to gloss that shit right over because I can never remember what the hell happened in that book without my eyes starting to glaze over. Of all the books, it's the most boring and this movie got that perfectly. Best interpretation of a book on the silver screen I've seen so far.

The only parts of this movie worth seeing are the bits with the newborn vampires. Honestly, they were the best part for me because I actually gave two damns what the fuck they were doing, and all they really did was set a car on fire and walk across a lake. Creepiest part of the whole movie, which isn't saying much, is when Riley's head slowly emerges from the lakewater. If you want to see that, though, just go watch the trailer. Best part of the whole movie, outside of the opening scene, and it only lasts about a second.

That's about it, really. I know, you're probably sitting there like "that's it? What the fuck, I feel like I just read a novel." Yeah, I wasn't expecting it to be this long, but...whatever. It is, so if you read this far, I'll give you a gold star sticker if/when I see you.

Oh! And here's a shout-out to the guy driving in front of me! Kindly go fuck yourself with a birdcage. *thumbs up*